Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Let it go.... be free

Letting go of things is never easy. Letting go of something rarely comes without a cost. Letting go, truly letting go of something means loosing something, but I truly believe that when something needs to be set free we will gain something from that act. It can be a freeing experience or a painful one, but rarely something you will forget.

When I was 10, I lost my grandpa, he was my one experience with unconditional love. He was taken too soon and it broke me and my heart. I was so mad at God for taking him away, and I was mad at people around me because I was told to be strong and not to cry. I didn't either, I stuffed those feelings deep. I was strong and took such pride in that fact. I learned to cry by myself, to never let anyone know… they never knew either. I really think that moment (or the collaboration of all that happened in 1985) really set me down a certain road, a road that had lots of bad decision turns. I took most of them.

After November 1985 I never thought anything mattered. I thought that nothing worse than losing my grandpa would ever happen, I was right and wrong. Worse things happened and will continue to happen but I never knew they were worse because I was strong. That was the down side to stuffing, I never really felt. I am not sure when exactly finally truly said goodbye to my grandpa but it wasn't until sometime after October 1991. October 19, 1991 is my sobriety date and with the help of my aftercare group leader I realized that I had to say goodbye... I am pretty sure it was in early 1992. I still have to work at the feeling emotions and not just shutting things off. I see things in such black and white. In the past month and a half I have seemed fine… I would not allow myself to really feel anything towards what people were saying about me having an affair. The only times my claws came out was when someone attacked me on my mothering skill, of course they will always come out then. I would not allow myself to feel good or bad about what people had to say. I just took it and would think to myself (since most of it is said behind my back) I deserve this judgment. I would just stuff it. Well I really was taking it all in… I was just stuffing it. I do not want it anymore. I am stuffed full so here is my list of things I do not want anymore and so I am letting go.

1. Until you walk in my shoes and live my life, I will no longer listen to your hate. You can have it back.

2. I am an amazing mom… just ask him. You can have your judgment back. I set it free.
3. I have thought since I betrayed my husband that I HAD to accept your betrayal of me… I did not have to accept it and will not keep it any longer.
4. I am tired of stuffing my feelings… it is suffocating me and who I am so I will let go of not being allowed to feel. I will let my feelings flow and let go of the idea that I am not allowed to feel
5. I will let go those of you who no longer want to be there for me and rid myself of the anger.
6. I will let all those tears fall as I mourn the friendships I was so sure were real.
7. I will let go of the idea that I need everyone's forgiveness. There is only ONE true forgiver and He is all I will seek forgiveness from
8. I am letting go of the idea that I have to be perfect or fit into a mold in order for someone to stay.
9. I will let go of the bad thoughts I have about myself, and I will take in the good.

10. I will only look back to learn not to feel guilt or wonder what I could change… I will move forward and learn and soak up.

Now in letting go of all these things (and hell there are many more but you get it right?) I will be opening up so much room for so many things. Things that will help me walk with my head held high and walk with confidence. I will love freely, and trust cautiously. I will know that it is okay to tell someone that they have hurt me, if they are truly my friend and for me they will accept it and never meant harm. I will continue to be an amazing mom and know that he knows how much I love him. I will be a great friend to those of you who are still around. I will learn to let my soul fly. I will look at things with more positive than negative. I will also give people the benefit of doubt. I know that I have rough roads ahead but I will feel the bumps as well as the freshly paved roads. I will embrace the pain and feel it and I will smile and laugh at the good times.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Day 1??

Will today be the day that I care more about me than the food that comforts my insides? The food that betrays me and fills me all in one bite. Why does food have such a hold on me? Why have I gained over 20 pounds since Thomas was born... less than 3 months ago? I would like to say that I am being punished... that it is out of my control... I would have no responsibility then. I have to accept maybe for the first time in my entire life that life is really not fair and that I am different than those friends that do not have to worry as much about what they put in their mouths. I have to think about it... worry about it and be more aware. I need to learn that the good for me foods actually make me feel better... and when I feed my body what it needs... it gives me what I need. I need to learn to love me. I have to realize that I am more than worth it. So will today be the first day that I choose me??